Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
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I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Poetry is my passion
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.