Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
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Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
🤣dope
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.