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Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Botany good plants lately?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.