“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
You Might Also Like
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.