putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
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I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17