ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
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I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Me trying to “trust the process”
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.