when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
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My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Good morning, Twitter x
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.