texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
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It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
They’re really bad with fonts.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no