I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
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How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.