[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
You Might Also Like
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Ooh I do like a good funnel
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.