[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
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My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Omg 🤣
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?