Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
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Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs