I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
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So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.