[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
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A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.