Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years: