The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
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I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Boom, boom, ching!
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod