“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
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My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.