Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
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Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?