FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
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To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes