My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
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If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
meanwhile over on facebook
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting