I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
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I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Taking phone security to the next level.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums