Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
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The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
how long have you had this for?
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.