[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
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Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.