Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
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I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.