Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
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I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
this is the best interaction on twitter
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs