When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
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Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Me when my alarm goes off
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit