[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
You Might Also Like
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off