[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
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ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
man: wait
time: no
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target