I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
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Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.