Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
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You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.