INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
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“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy