I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
You Might Also Like
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.