Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
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Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Message from the dog groomers
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857