Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
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On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
courtroom exchange of the day
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.