Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
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[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.