Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
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Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
My wife has the worst taste in men.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.