I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
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I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses