Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
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‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”