my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
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“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
prepare for carbonated trouble
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
There’s only one good girl here!
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*