Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
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people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Oh my god
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this