Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
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Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.