I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
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If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me