The best plant holders?
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By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
my dad when a sex scene comes on
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody