WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
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Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Everything reminds me of my ex
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
“The Perfect Relationship”
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”