A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
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I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
That’s easy for you to say
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
it be like that
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?