*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
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I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?