A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
You Might Also Like
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.