Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
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Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Wait a minute…
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her