*visits random websites just for the cookies*
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sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet