Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
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I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Not😆🤣
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
The pasta is now
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus