‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
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I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
real
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
This is me
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”